Managing Mom Guilt: How to Stop Feeling Like You’re Failing
We all long for a break from the daily grind from time to time.
However, when we imagine doing things differently or think about saying no, we feel immense guilt. We’re really stuck between a rock and a hard place, because things can’t continue the way they are — it’s making us sick — and we also can’t disappoint people. So, we continue to sacrifice ourselves and hope life will give us a break at some point. But have you noticed that this day isn't coming?
Let me paint a scene for you:
You wake up in the morning feeling overwhelmed. You haven’t even gotten out of bed yet, and you're already rehearsing the things you need to do today in your mind. It can make you feel like calling in sick or hitting the snooze button, so that you can get a few more minutes of peace before the chaos begins.
Already tired, you reach for some coffee with lots of cream and sugar so that you can get a hit of energy. You barely get yourself and the kids ready, and you head into stop-and-go traffic on your way to work.
Work isn’t much better, as there are a dozen things on your to-do list for today. Then five new tasks come up that feel urgent. You feel depleted as you pick up the kids from after-school care and head home to make dinner, get the kids to their activities, ensure homework is done, do the dishes, and tidy up the house, before falling asleep on the couch watching TV with a glass of wine.
Even if you have a spouse, this scenario may sound familiar.
We push ourselves to be perfect at our own expense.
We’ve unconsciously created a preferred image of ourselves in our minds that we want people to see, so we can feel liked, loved, and accepted.
Ironically, much of the pressure we're feeling to do things or be a certain way is coming from ourselves. Become aware of what motivates you.
Are you secretly afraid that you'll lose your job if you make even one mistake?
Do you feel you have to work harder or be smarter in order to be seen as equal to others?
These can be significant factors if you identify as someone who is not white, straight, Christian, or male.
Are you like me, and feel that no matter what you do, it’s never enough?
And giving anything less than 110% means that you’re failing?
Once you’ve noticed your unconscious thoughts, you can start to challenge them. Has anyone recently come down hard on you for making a mistake, or is this a lesson you learned in childhood?
Have you been passed over for opportunities even though you are more qualified, or is this a story you are making up?
Do you have worthiness and perfectionism factors at play?
You may have real reasons for thinking the way you do, so it’s important to validate them. And there are many motivating factors that simply aren't true in your current circumstance. It’s helpful to check the facts.
Next, let’s see where you're spending time and energy on things that are not absolutely necessary, and don't bring you joy. For example, have you volunteered for a committee that you feel you “should” be a part of but dread? How do you feel when you think about letting it go? Is it easy or hard? If it’s easy, keep going and think of something else you can let go of. Keep going until it gets hard and ask yourself why it’s hard.
I’ve had clients not know the answer, or say, “This is just who I am. I show up for people at all costs.”
If the cost is your physical and/or mental health, the cost is too high.
Put up your hand if you feel guilty when you say no.
I see you!
Especially when it comes to our family, we often think that we’re never giving enough or doing enough. What if perfectionism has set impossibly high standards for us? What if we, and no human on the planet, could ever meet those standards? Then let’s go with plan B, making our lives sustainable and setting a realistic standard for our kids.
Feeling better by overeating, drinking, gossiping, or shopping online may give us a quick hit of dopamine, but leaves us with undesirable consequences.
We can live a life with a nice, comfortable pace and fill our cups in healthy ways.
What if our feelings of guilt are not a reason not to do things, but a sign of our care and commitment to those in our lives? Also, guilt, which is “I did something bad,” may be because you're attempting to do something that goes against your beliefs. Perhaps your beliefs are the problem.
Here are some common beliefs that could hold you back:
I’m responsible for other people’s happiness
I’m supposed to give everything I have to everyone else
Saying “no” to people will make them angry
Doing things for myself is selfish
Let’s take a closer look at these unconscious beliefs. They're often taught to us and reinforced by our culture, education, and families. Many things we learn are useful and helpful, but some are not.
1. I’m responsible for other people’s happiness.
This is a false statement. Many of us are not taught that we're responsible for our own happiness. This requires us to take responsibility for our thoughts, which lead to our feelings. That does not mean that we should go around being jerks to people. Behave according to your values and integrity AND let go of trying to control people’s feelings.
2. I’m supposed to give everything I have to everyone else.
Another false statement. Who benefits when you work harder and do more for people? Work and other people! We may get some momentary happiness from helping, but sometimes all we feel is resentment. If we give it all away, no one is taking care of us, and it can make us mentally and physically sick. It’s not a sustainable way to live, and we were never meant to.
3. Saying “no” to people will make them mad.
Maybe, maybe not. I often ask myself how I'll feel if I say yes. Does it light me up or feel heavy? Do I feel resentment when I think about doing it? Am I saying “yes” because I want to or because I’m afraid I’m disappointing someone if I say “no?” If someone is mad at us for not doing something for them, do they really care about us? Do they like us for who we are or only for what we can do for them?
4. Doing things for myself is selfish.
Not true. What is selfish? Lacking consideration for others. I know some adults like this, but very few, and it’s not likely that you fall into this category. Not doing anything for yourself is also selfish, because it means you won't be healthy enough to be your best for the people you love.
Next, it's helpful to come up with thoughts to support why taking care of yourself or setting boundaries is essential.
I deserved to be cared for as much as my loved ones deserve to be cared for
No one else knows what's best for me, only I do
I want to model a balanced life for others
I wouldn’t expect from others what I expect of myself
I’m worth being cared for
I deserve to be happy too
Feeling guilty is the #1 reason I hear from women for not taking better care of themselves and setting boundaries.
We all want to look after ourselves. To be honest, our lives depend on it. The guilt comes from our beliefs about what we should do to be good wives, mothers, daughters, and friends. When we critically evaluate our unconscious thoughts, we can consciously choose beliefs that serve us and, ultimately, the people we care about. Living a life free from overwhelm isn’t a luxury. It’s a necessity.
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