Navigating the 5+1 Stages of Grief
The New Year’s bell had barely stopped ringing when I got word that a middle-aged family member, younger than me, had passed of natural causes. No signs, no warning, no accident or pre-existing condition that we know of. Just had a heart attack and died. This is news that no one wants to get, and it’s even more shocking with its suddenness.
I was reminded of the Five Stages of Grief by Elizabeth Kubler-Ross:
Denial
Anger
Bargaining
Depression
Acceptance
The Sixth Stage of Grief
David Kessler worked with Kubler-Ross, and together, they realized that finding meaning is the sixth stage of grief. Since we all experience grief at various points in our lives and over different things, it can be helpful to put words to the experience.
Let’s look at a definition of grief.
“Grief is the internal part of loss, how we feel. The internal work of grief is a process, a journey. It does not end on a certain day or date. it's as individual as each of us. Grief is real because loss is real. Each grief has its own imprint, as distinctive and as unique as the person we lost. The pain of loss is so intense, so heartbreaking, because in loving, we deeply connect with another human being, and grief is the reflection of the connection that has been lost.” - Renowned author and Grief expert David Kessler.
First of all, I’d like to highlight that the emotion of grief can come from any loss. Many people typically think about grief when someone dies or has a breakup.
How do you feel when you lose your job or a pet?
How does it feel when your children grow up and move on to a new stage?
How do you feel when you move to a new home?
Our brain has a natural tendency to compare our experience to others to make sure that we're acting appropriately and fitting in with the rules of our group. However, this is often unhelpful, especially when we're talking about emotions and experiences.
We need to honor what we feel and not downplay or ignore it because we perceive that someone “has it worse.” Just because your friend’s husband died of cancer doesn’t negate the fact that you may be experiencing grief because you’ve just gotten a divorce.
You’re both entitled to have feelings about what you’re experiencing.
Ignoring or downplaying your feelings of grief isn’t healthy.
Our feelings don’t like to be ignored and will come out in unproductive ways if we don’t give them the time and attention they want. For example, they may cause your body pain, sleepless nights, or more intense feelings like panic. Once you fully feel these sensations and face them head-on, they'll eventually pass like clouds.
It’s also important to avoid comparing our suffering.
We're entitled to feel what we feel even if it doesn’t seem like the depth of feeling corresponds with the event. For example, when I was in my dating phase, there were some boyfriends I barely felt the loss of and other breakups I thought would ruin me, even though we were together for a shorter amount of time.
We feel what we feel, and allowing our feelings to happen is essential.
As an aside, part of why grief hurts so much, to the point where we can feel it physically, is that emotional pain registers in the same part of our brain as physical pain. Our feelings are actually sensations we have in our bodies because of chemicals and hormones released from our brains, and they're caused by our thoughts. This is why our primitive brain seeks to avoid pain and seek pleasure.
5+1 Stages of Grief Explained
We’re not meant to follow the five stages of grief in linear steps. Instead, these are five emotions that you can feel, and there may be no rhyme or reason to them. You may not even feel all of them. Just know these could happen, and now you have a name for it. It might be comforting to know that each stage doesn’t last for months or years. Many people experience these stages for minutes or hours, moving from one to another and back again.
1) Denial
Often, the first stage, denial, helps us to cope with the overwhelming emotions and confusion that come with loss. Our brain cannot make sense of the new reality, so it paces itself by denying the impact of reality for a time. When one starts to experience the feelings that come with grief, you’ll know that you’re healing and moving on to the other stages.
2) Anger
This emotion can help us feel grounded when our world has been shaken. People may find themselves getting angry at the person who passed, the relative who didn’t reach out, or the medical team. While this emotion is often misdirected, it's imperative to feel the feeling in order to move through it and have it dissipate. Denying or pushing anger aside doesn’t make it go away. It will live in our bodies and come out in unexpected ways. If you didn’t care, you wouldn’t feel anger. This emotion is an indication of the intensity of your love.
3) Bargaining
Our brain tries to make sense out of things that don’t make sense, so bargaining is our attempt to stop a loss from happening and then attempt to understand or take the pain away once it does happen. Guilt will often accompany bargaining, and sometimes, people feel they could somehow have prevented the loss. “If only” we had known or done something differently.
4) Depression
After getting lost in the past with bargaining, we move to the present and experience depression. This isn’t a sign of a mental illness but a natural state after a loss. This is one of the necessary stages of healing that helps us move through the pain. As much as we might want to, we can’t rush this stage. The length of time you’re in this state is unique to each individual.
5) Acceptance
This stage isn’t the same as being “alright” or “okay” with what happened. It's coming to terms with the fact that life has permanently changed and will never be what it was again. A new normal is created, with opportunities to reimagine the future. A person may begin having more good days than bad and start to feel joy again.
Many people I talk to try to live out what they think are the departed's wishes or feel guilty in moments of happiness. I often remind people that our loved ones wouldn’t want their passing to have a negative impact on our lives. If we’re able to consider what they would desire for us, the answer is usually the most joyful life where opportunities are taken and each moment is savoured. Going through grief and loss often helps us appreciate what we have and reminds us to strengthen our relationships. Living our lives according to our values and priorities can be part of healing.
6) Meaning-Making
This doesn’t mean making meaning of the death itself. We’re not looking to be grateful that someone has died. Meaning-making is a way to use our grief to enhance our lives and that of others. When a person dies, a family may raise money each year for the cause of death, participate in a grief support group to connect with others, plant a tree in their loved one’s honor, or start a campaign to raise awareness.
When my mother died, I created a box of memories for my kids so that they could look through pictures and have one place for gifts she had given them that they could look at over the years. I shifted roles in the family, too, took over the primary care of my grandmother, and became a problem solver and connector for the family. My grandmother loved butterflies; she even got a tattoo of one on her ankle when she was 80 years old. I now stop and pay attention to butterflies when I see them, taking a moment to enjoy them and think of her. I feel grateful for the reminder to slow down and savor life.
How to support someone who is going through hard times with grief.
We don’t want people to feel sad because our empathetic brains feel pain with other people. So, we try to cheer them up, somehow fix it, and attempt to take away their pain. However, you’d be asking them to behave in a way that’s not authentic.
The best approach is to be there with them, expecting that it may take time and many forms. People are entitled to their feelings, and we don’t have to solve their problems. This is part of the normal healing process. As a support person, if their grief becomes overwhelming for you, it’s okay to take a break or set boundaries. Their grieving journey is going to take as long as it takes and possibly look messy. The key is to manage your time and energy, remembering that your needs are just as important as everyone else’s. You can’t walk through grief for other people, so be aware of exhaustion and resentment that could ultimately harm the relationship.
Lastly, be mindful of comparative suffering. How we grieve and how long we grieve isn’t a contest nor a reflection of how much we love the person. It’s easy to judge other people for grieving too long or not long enough or rank how much grief one should feel based on the nature of the loss.
One person’s breakup cannot be compared to losing a pet or a spouse. The loss of a job cannot be compared to the loss of a child or parent. The worst grief is your grief. The most grief I’ve ever felt was not from losing family members but from a breakup in my mid-20s. From the outside, it would seem like losing a parent or grandparent should evoke stronger feelings, but that wasn’t the case for me. I also felt intense, acute grief, which I cried uncontrollably for several years over having to put down my horse; I did not feel the same way when I had other losses.
Losses are unique for each of us, and the best thing we can do to support each other is to get comfortable with being uncomfortable, fully experience our own grief, and let others do the same without judgment. Feelings are meant to be felt, and the grieving process is an important part of the human experience.
For additional resources, visit grief.com.
