From Overcommitted to Aligned: Prioritizing What Truly Matters
How do you determine where to spend your time and energy? Most people have a vague idea of what needs to be done, but then emails, text messages, and things that seem interesting (or less difficult) take priority.
And if you're currently living the life you want, then great! Carry on!
However, as we take on more responsibilities and pile more tasks on our plates, this style of decision-making is unsustainable. The tasks that are easy or urgent get completed, often at the expense of those that may be a bit more tedious or less demanding, but still important.
Priorities as a Decision-Making Tool
We’ve discussed priorities before, but I’d like to dive deep today into how to actually use them as a decision-making tool with three recommendations.
#1 Identify your priorities.
What's most important to you? Make a list of everything that matters to you, in order. My list has me at the top, followed by my kids and husband, my extended family, my friends, my work, and then my hobbies.
#2 List how you actually spend your time.
List the things you do in a given week. If you're not sure, look back at your calendar. What do you notice? Are you spending an extraordinary amount of time working or doing things for your kids? Your spouse may have made the list, along with your extended family, but friends, hobbies, and you were not on it. This exercise surprised me, but also made me realize why I was feeling so burned out.
#3 Make decisions according to your priorities.
When you say yes to extra work or going above and beyond for people, you say no to yourself and the things that you said were important to you. You may notice that you’re not taking care of yourself or that you aren’t happy. When ideas or opportunities come up, weigh the task against your priority list.
Here’s what putting your priorities first looks like in real life:
You're getting ready for a trip, and you have three hours before you need to head to the airport. You could shower, do your family's laundry, pack your luggage, arrange playdates for the kids, or eat breakfast. What would you do first if you were managing your time according to your priorities?
If you prioritize others, you might attempt to address their tasks first, squeezing your own in at the end, and potentially running out of time.
If you're at the top of your priority list, packing luggage, having a shower, and eating breakfast would happen first. Then would come arranging playdates for the kids and doing the family’s laundry.
Next, consider whether any of those tasks could be removed from the list. Is it necessary for you to do all the laundry, or can your family help out? Do you have to arrange playdates for the kids now, or can they invite a friend to play spontaneously?
How about this scenario: You have a spouse and kids and want to work less. You have enough to do that working 24/7 still won't help you catch up. You have reports to write and clients to talk to, and your manager approaches you on a Friday, asking you to complete a new report by Monday. Your typical work hours are 9 am to 5 pm, and it’s your son’s birthday this weekend. This report will take you at least five hours to complete, in addition to the full day of work you already have.
What do you do?
If other people came first, you may decide to reschedule your tasks, work late, or work on the weekend to complete the report.
If you made decisions based on your priorities, you would do what you could within normal work hours and also let your manager know that it would be impossible to get it done by Monday. You could offer that they ask someone else or extend the timeline.
It’s also helpful to think in a big-picture perspective. If there is persistently too much on your plate at work, this is an organizational problem that you can’t solve by working longer hours, burning yourself out, and then going on stress leave. More people need to be hired, or people other than you need to be utilized.
Here’s another example: Christmas is coming, and there are plenty of opportunities to socialize. You and your spouse both have work parties, and three sets of family members are hosting “early Christmas” parties. One of the work parties could be held at your home, but there are other venue options available. One family member asks if you could host the Christmas party this year, even though four other families have never hosted.
If you put other people first, you would host and/or go to all the Christmas parties and come out exhausted on the other side.
If you made decisions according to your priorities, you'd host only if you truly thought you’d love to, and possibly just pick one — either the work party or the family party. If you've already hosted the family party many times and others haven’t, then you could say no and ask others to do it or figure out a different arrangement, like going to a restaurant instead. Also, do you actually WANT to attend all the parties? Just because you’ve been invited doesn’t mean you have to go.
When we focus on making others happy, it's because we want to be liked.
It's how our brains are wired and how women are socialized; however, pleasing others can’t be our top priority. This leads to feelings of overwhelm and resentment. Taking a moment to write down tasks and opportunities and weighing them against your priorities will take a few extra minutes initially. You may feel uncomfortable making decisions this way for a little while.
However, with practice, it will become second nature, and you'll notice the difference it makes in how you feel about your life and how much better your own needs and wants are met. This will lead to greater happiness and satisfaction with your life. When you feel happier and more satisfied, you're more pleasant to be around, and you take better care of others when you choose to. There may be exceptions from time to time where you put others first, but that will be an intentional decision based on your desire to prioritize another under those particular circumstances. It’s not a default way of being. Practice priority decision-making for one week and let me know what benefits you notice!
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