What Do You Really Want?

I wish this was an easy question to answer — but for most women, it isn’t.

Think back to when you were a little kid. What did you dream about for your future? You probably thought about what you wanted to be when you grew up, who your friends would be, who you might marry. You imagined the house you’d live in, how many kids you’d have. It was almost impossible to picture life past 30 — and honestly, 30 seemed ancient.

Then think about the messages you received as you got older. What did your parents, friends, and family expect of you? Were they focused on academics, athletics, or marrying the “right” person? What did they communicate — directly or indirectly — about how your life should unfold?

Here We Are

We did the things. We built the life. The years may or may not have gone according to plan, but we tried our best — and most of us have reached many of the milestones we worked so hard for. It was all supposed to bring us a deep sense of fulfillment. We were supposed to ride off into the sunset and live happily ever after.

But for a lot of women, something still feels off.

So we assume it’s our fault. We tell ourselves we’re not working hard enough, not organized enough, not mentally strong enough. We make changes — and they help a little, but also add to the overwhelm. We look to our families, our relationships, our careers. Could something there explain the discontent?

When we’ve changed enough things and the feeling still doesn’t go away — or gets worse — we need to start looking elsewhere.

The truth is: the things we were told would make us happy were only partly true. We were conditioned to believe that service and self-sacrifice were the path to a fulfilling life. And at some point, we realize that this does not fuel or sustain us.

“If It’s Not This — What Do You Really Want?”

When I ask women this question in my practice, most say they genuinely love their families, their friends, their work. They aren’t sure what else there is to change or do differently. Andwhen I invite them to think about what they really want — many haven’t even asked themselves. And if they have, they haven’t dared to say it out loud.

Why?

Guilt.

Women tell me all the time: I have guilt just thinking about it. I put myself first for one day — and I felt so guilty I couldn’t even enjoy it.

We carry this deeply embedded idea that women are ultimately responsible for everything — and that if our families experience any discomfort or adversity, it’s our fault. No one wants to cause harm to the people they love. But this belief that we’re responsible for everyone else’s experience, and that no one should ever be uncomfortable, isn’t true. And it isn’t serving us.

Why We Got Here

This wasn’t inevitable — it was structural.

Humans were designed to live in community. Historically, women gathered together, shared the load, and supported one another. Men hunted together and contributed to feeding the family. There was a division of labor, yes — but also connection, reciprocity, and rest.

The Industrial Revolution brought women into the workforce — which was and is a meaningful gain. But here’s what didn’t change: the expectations at home. Suddenly women were doing both, carrying the full weight of domestic life and a professional career. A double workload that was never meant for one person.

And many of our partners, despite the best intentions, still aren’t carrying an equal share.

Add perimenopause into the picture — which many of us are navigating right now — and it’s no wonder we’re burning out at unprecedented rates.

So What Do You Really Want?

I’ll tell you what I hear most often — and what resonates with me personally, too.

We want time. Enough of it to actually take care of ourselves. To sleep. To do things we enjoy. We want calm — to walk through our days without that low hum of anxiety. We want a clean house and a meal we didn’t have to cook or clean up after. We want fun — real, belly-laugh, stomach-hurting fun. When’s the last time that happened?

We want to be healthy, important, appreciated, and loved. Just like everyone else in our lives.

That is not too much to ask.

The Solution Is Permission

It’s time to give ourselves permission to ask for more — and to believe we deserve it.

That means:

• Challenging the thoughts that tell you everyone else comes first

• Letting go of worrying about what other people think

• Making your health and wellbeing non-negotiable — not something you get to when there’s time, but a cornerstone of how you structure your days

No one is asking you to neglect the people you love or abandon what matters to you. This is not an either/or. It’s about making different decisions — letting go of what isn’t essential so you have the capacity for what truly is. In practice, this might look like:

• Actually taking your lunch break instead of working through it

• Leaving work at the end of your workday — not early, just on time

• Making space for a bedtime routine that’s genuinely relaxing

• Having lunch with a friend

• Taking up a hobby

• Reading a book just because you want to

These things are important because they are important to you. That is reason enough.

Why This Matters

Here’s what I know from 20 years of working with women as a psychologist — and from my own experience: When we fill our own cups, we show up better for everyone.

We are calmer, more present, more generous. The people who love us get the best of us — not the leftovers.

We are healthier and we sleep better when we have less stress and more joy in our daily lives.

We live without regret when our decisions are rooted in what actually matters to us — when we spend our time with the people we love most, doing the things that are meaningful to us, and let go of the rest.

Clear priorities. Clear boundaries. A life that actually feels like yours.

If this resonated with you and you’d like to explore what you really want — and how to get there — I’d love to connect. Reach out at kimberlyknull.com