You’ve Stopped Having Fun - And It’s Affecting Everyone Around You
How Much Fun Are You to Be Around?
And Why Reclaiming Joy Is One of the Most Important Things You Can Do
The first time I heard this question, I got a little defensive.
I mean, I work so hard. I am a good friend, a good mother, a good partner. I have built a career and shown up for the people I love. And now I need to be fun?
I know. I felt it too. But here’s the thing, I also love this question, because it forces us to look at ourselves through other people’s eyes. And self-awareness, as uncomfortable as it can feel sometimes, is one of the most powerful tools we have.
So let’s sit with it for a moment: How much fun are you to be around?
When Overwhelm Makes Us Tunnel-Visioned
When we are stretched thin, raising kids, building careers, trying to keep all the plates spinning, we go into survival mode. We get tunnel-visioned. We stop picking our heads up to look around, and somewhere in that busyness, we stop being fun. Not because we’re bad people, but because we’ve stopped having fun.
There are absolutely seasons in life where this is unavoidable. When you’re in the thick of a newborn phase, finishing a degree, or navigating a major life transition, you have permission to put your head down. That’s not the problem. The problem is when we do it indefinitely, when survival mode becomes our permanent setting, and we lose our humor, our lightness, and our ability to find joy in everyday life.
When that happens, it affects not just us, but everyone around us. And here’s the part worth really sitting with: the reason most of us work so hard, push so relentlessly, and sacrifice so much is for the people we love. Our families. Our friends. The life we’re trying to build for them. If we’re not fun to be around, we’re kind of defeating the point.
The Science Behind Why This Happens
This isn’t just a mindset problem. There’s real neuroscience at work here. Our brains are wired to seek pleasure and reward. When we do things we enjoy, our brains release dopamine, the feel-good neurotransmitter that reinforces positive behaviors and helps regulate our mood, motivation, and energy.
When we deprive ourselves of genuine fun and joy for long periods, our brains don’t just accept the deficit. They look for dopamine somewhere. And that’s where the glass of wine at the end of the day comes in. The pint of ice cream. The three hours of Netflix. The mindless Instagram scrolling. These aren’t character flaws, they are your brain desperately trying to get what it needs.
The problem is that these quick fixes often have negative consequences, and they never actually fill the void. They numb rather than nourish. What your brain actually needs are experiences that genuinely light you up, activities that fuel you, restore you, and remind you that life is worth showing up for.
The “I’ll Have Fun Later” Trap
So many of us operate from this belief: I’ll put my head down now, do the hard work, and when the kids grow up / when I retire / when things slow down, then I’ll enjoy life.
I understand this. I have lived this. But I’ve also sat across from enough people, and had enough of my own moments of reckoning, to know how dangerous this thinking is.
When I stepped back from my role as executive director and finally came up for air, I realized I hadn’t had a consistent conversation with friends in about seven years. Seven years. That scared me. I was terrified to pick up the phone, wondering if anyone would still be there. Fortunately, they were, but rebuilding those relationships took real intentional effort. And the truth is, it doesn’t always work out that way.
Life transitions, kids leaving for university, changing careers, retirement, are naturally disorienting. They bring uncertainty. And when you lift your head and find no social network, no hobbies, no activities that light you up outside of work and family obligations, you have very little to help you land softly.
We don’t get a do-over. These are the only years we get. And the “someday” we’re waiting for is not guaranteed.
Why Women Especially Struggle With This
When I ask women, in my practice, at workshops, in conversation, What do you enjoy doing? What lights you up? What are your hobbies? many of them cannot answer the question.
Not because they’re incapable, but because they’ve spent so many years pouring themselves into everyone else that their own wants and needs have moved so far to the back burner they’ve almost forgotten they exist.
We’ve been conditioned, consciously and unconsciously, to believe that service and self-sacrifice are the highest virtues. That putting ourselves first is selfish. That our needs are less important. That if we’re not doing something for someone else, we should feel guilty.
And so we feel guilty. Guilty spending money on ourselves. Guilty taking an afternoon just for us. Guilty even thinking about what we want.
Here’s what I want you to hear, as clearly as I can say it: That mentality does not serve you. And it is not the truth.
You are not a machine. You are not an indentured servant. You are a human being who deserves joy, not as a reward for completing your to-do list, but as a fundamental part of a well-lived life. Chronic self-neglect doesn’t make you a better mother, partner, friend, or professional. It makes you exhausted, resentful, and depleted. It makes you, frankly, less fun to be around.
Your Feelings Are Not the Driver — You Are
When you start asking yourself what you want and what would be fun, feelings will come up. Guilt. Fear. A voice that says I can’t afford it. I don’t have time. I don’t deserve it.
I want you to notice those feelings. Give them a little mental nod. Acknowledge them.
And then remember: you don’t have to let them drive.
Think of it this way. When you’re driving somewhere important, you don’t hand the keys to a toddler. Feelings can be like that — loud, reactive, not always well-reasoned. They can absolutely ride along. But they don’t get to steer. You get to steer. You get to decide, thoughtfully, intentionally, what your life looks like.
This is the core of what cognitive behavioral therapy teaches us: our circumstances are not inherently good or bad. It is our thoughts about our circumstances that create our feelings, and our feelings that drive our actions. When we learn to choose our thoughts more intentionally, we change everything that follows.
A Summer Invitation (And a Life-Long Practice)
Summer is such a natural time to explore this. The season is short, the energy is lighter, and there’s an invitation in the long days to do something more than just survive.
So here’s what I want you to do. Grab a cup of tea. Sit somewhere quiet with a pen and paper. Set aside other people’s needs for just a few minutes, set aside what others want, what would make everyone else happy, what is most practical, and ask yourself:
What would I actually find fun?
Some prompts to get you started:
• Do you want time alone, or with people? Or both?
• Does the idea of mountains, water, or city streets make you feel alive?
• When was the last time you laughed until it hurt?
• Is there something you loved doing years ago that you’ve quietly abandoned?
• Is there something you’ve always wanted to try but never given yourself permission?
Make a list of 5 to 10 things. Rank them. Then, and this part matters, write them down somewhere you’ll see them. Research consistently shows that when we write our intentions down, we are significantly more likely to follow through.
Not everything has to involve other people. Not everything has to cost a lot of money. I’ve been practicing my golf swing in my backyard. I’ve been going for more walks with my husband and the dog, learning pickleball, and carving out time for girlfriends. None of it is elaborate. All of it matters.
Role Model What a Balanced Life Looks Like
One more thought, and it’s important: when you prioritize fun and joy, you are not taking something away from your family. You are giving them something.
You are showing your children what a full, balanced, intentional life looks like. You are demonstrating that women have needs. That rest is not laziness. That joy is not frivolous. That you matter. These are the lessons they will carry with them for the rest of their lives.
And practically speaking: when you are more rested, more joyful, more connected to yourself, you are more patient. More present. More fun. You become someone people genuinely want to be around — and that benefits everyone.
The Bottom Line
We stop being fun because we stop having fun. And when we stop being fun, it slowly erodes the very relationships we’ve worked so hard to build.
This is not about becoming the life of the party. It’s about not losing yourself so entirely in the work of living that you forget to actually live. It’s about making each day count. Not perfectly, but meaningfully. It’s about squeezing the most joy out of the time you have, because this is the only time you get.
So, what kind of summer do you want?
RELATED EPISODES
• Your Ultimate Guide to a Joy-Filled Summer
• Breaking Free From Guilt: A Guide to Embracing Self-Compassion
