Compassion and Curiosity: The Keys to Beating Burnout
How impatience and our expectations get in the way of our burnout-healing progress.
Recovering from burnout takes longer than you think. I know, because I've been there.
Have you ever needed a holiday from your holiday?
Have you dreamed of feeling rested and rejuvenated after a break from work, only to go back feeling more overwhelmed?
We put so much pressure on ourselves to live our best lives and be the best at everything that our expectations of ourselves never let up. We may even feel that other people are expecting a lot of us, too. Maybe you're thinking that your standards aren’t that high, that you're fine with just keeping up with everyone else.
If you regularly feel overwhelmed, you may have sneaky thoughts you’re not aware of that keep you feeling that way.
This is why we're not actually resting during our time away from work. This is why our weekends are depleting and why our vacations are exhausting. Part of the problem is that our work is never done, and we’re often just trying to get ahead of it so that we can feel less anxious.
The end of our to-do lists is elusive, so we have to set clear boundaries for ourselves.
We have to set working hours and stick to them; we need to take our breaks and lunches, our weekends, and our holidays. We have to start normalizing rest and relaxation, and normalize time off from productivity. Until we can do this regularly and without guilt, we will always feel exhausted.
I work privately with many women who are burned out and are on short-term disability. They've reached a point where they can no longer work, yet feel immense guilt and continue to fill their days with unpaid work and household chores. It typically takes several weeks for them to stop doing everything and begin to rest.
They finally reach a point where their minds are quiet enough to notice that their bodies are exhausted. The constant adrenaline starts to taper off to a drip, and they begin to feel “lazy” because they're less productive. After another month or two, these women are surprised that they haven’t returned to the person they were at their best. It can feel frustrating, to say the least.
We can’t become who we wish we would be once we rest.
In my experience, this “ideal self” was completely unrealistic. It was someone who was a machine at being productive, who didn’t need to eat, sleep, or rest; who didn’t need to take time off to be sick, or plan fun things just for themselves. This person is actually not human, and we’ve been ignoring our own humanity so that we can serve others. It’s not fair, and it’s burning us out.
I can safely say that every woman will burn out at some point; it’s just a matter of when… so let’s change our fate not just for ourselves, but for our family, friends, and daughters, so that we can be present with them and model a different way.
Here’s what happens when we're brave enough to slow down and pay attention to how we’re feeling, and how to create real healing.
When we slow down and take time off after a busy period, we often think, “I’ve had a day/week/month off, I should feel normal again.” We can feel frustrated and disappointed and end up criticizing ourselves, comparing ourselves to others' perceptions. We then create the result that we think we can't change or have a different life; we become depressed, despondent, get angry, stress eat/drink/scroll, or quit everything.
This is not helpful, and this mindset will keep us stuck in overwhelm.
So, next time you slow down and take time off after a busy period, and you want to feel better, have some self-compassion and curiosity.
Start thinking things like this:
It will take as long as it takes to feel better; perhaps this took more out of me than I thought.
I will get back to basics to feel better—sleep, eat, exercise, therapy.
Every day is an opportunity to take care of myself.
How can I simplify my life until I feel better?
These mindsets will lead you to focus on feelings and health, prioritize well-being, adjust daily, and pay closer attention to balancing self and others. You'll create more patience and be more compassionate with yourself, adjust expectations to where you are right now mentally, physically, and emotionally, make plans to help yourself and improve, and create capacity by being mindful and using critical thinking skills.
I hope you take away from this that our expectations are what got us here, and that the same expectations won't get us out of this place.
We have to pay attention, stay curious, shift our mindset, and show ourselves compassion and patience. No one else knows how to take care of us and what we need to heal, so we need to claim it.
Healing might feel terrible at times and wonderful at others. When you start to turn the corner, you'll wonder how you survived the way you were living. We only get one chance to do this life, so enjoy it!
