Do You Have the Courage to Be Disliked?
Have you read the book, The Courage to Be Disliked, by Japanese authors Ichiro Kishimi and Fumitake Koga?
It got me thinking …
How would your life be different if you were okay with people not liking you?
One of our biggest sources of stress is interpersonal relationships. We care so much about what other people think that we can worry about what strangers think of us. Even the concept of perfectionism is born from the belief that if we look, act, and are perfect, we can avoid shame, blame, and criticism.
Imagining someone disliking us feels terrible, and we try to avoid it at all costs.
When we consider how our lives would change if we were okay with people disliking us, sometimes our minds can go to the opposite extreme and ask, "Would it be good if no one cared? Wouldn’t people just go around hurting other people?"
There are a few thought errors at play here. One is that we can't read people’s minds, predict the future, or know for sure that our actions will cause others to feel a certain way. The other line of faulty thinking is that our actions directly cause other people’s feelings. On top of that, if we were okay with other people not liking us, do we really think that we'd turn into monsters? I don’t believe so.
What if there was a way to embrace the possibility of being disliked, in service of doing what we need to do to take really good care of ourselves and make choices that make us happy?
It’s so interesting that our basic brain wants to fit in so badly and is so afraid of not being liked that it will make choices that are not in our best interests. It will compel us to overwork, overcommit, and say yes to things we don’t want to, so that we don’t ruffle any feathers or even imagine that we could.
At other times, the fear of being disliked can keep us from trying new things or being vulnerable. As you can imagine, we can soon feel overwhelmed by this thinking, because who we are and what we want don't match what we think we’re supposed to do.
Is it time for you to live BIG?
I’ve learned some tools from Brené Brown that are really helpful when releasing our fear of being disliked. It’s the concept of Living BIG (Boundaries, Integrity, and Generosity), and it helps us live a more wholehearted life, which is aligning with who we are and what we want, rather than what we think others expect of us.
Let's take a look at what BIG stands for in Living BIG:
B-Boundaries: what’s okay and not okay, for other people and for ourselves.
Boundaries are often misunderstood because we think that if people care about us, they should comply with our boundaries. Hopefully, they will, but there are many reasons why someone would not be able to do what we ask. Here’s what you can do: once you notice the feeling when our boundary is being crossed, make a request and then follow through with action. In this process, it’s helpful to remember that we don’t control other people and certainly can't change them. The goal is to identify what we need and build trust with ourselves by honoring our desires.
It's up to others to decide if they can or are willing to do what we ask, and then we can decide what to do next if they don’t change willingly.
Boundaries for ourselves are important too, because we need to let go of trying to change people and accept them for who they are. We then get to decide what behaviors we want to be around. Sometimes, we don’t want to be around the behaviors of people we love. This means we get to love them from a distance, and we'll likely mourn the relationship we wish we had with the person. It’s disappointing, but this will create more peace and calm in your life.
I-Integrity: doing what’s right over what’s fun, fast, or easy.
It’s not easy to do the right thing, especially when we feel bad or ashamed. Admitting I’ve made a mistake is never fun, but when I was younger, I would go so far as to lie or bend the truth to cover it up. That never left me feeling good, so I’ve learned that being honest and doing the right thing feels like a gut-punch for only a moment and makes me feel proud of myself in the long run. Other people appreciate when we have integrity, too.
G-Generosity: being generous in our assumptions of other people’s intentions.
Our thoughts have a negativity bias, so we often think that people are doing things to hurt us on purpose. It can be hard to believe, but people don’t always think about how their actions impact us, and even if they did, other people don’t control how we perceive the situation.
Therefore, if we ask ourselves this generous assumption question, it can be a game-changer: “How would I look at this situation if the other person WASN’T trying to hurt me?” It moves us away from certainty and assumptions and gives us more ways to look at the situation.
Now, this is important:
Being willing to be disliked isn't a hall pass to create chaos. Rather, it's freeing us from the faulty notion that we can control how other people perceive us. Risking discomfort gives us the chance to honor ourselves and create a life free of assumptions and unreasonable expectations.
When we lean into the decisions that make us happy, we become happier and more fun to be around. Being willing to let go of the need to be liked will give us the opportunity to be authentic, which, ironically, is what people like most about others.
Give yourself the permission to be disliked today!
