The "Let Them" Theory: A Path to Less Stress
Think of someone whom you find yourself consistently frustrated by or judging.
How much time do you think you spend being frustrated, angry, or worrying about them?
Do you vent to other people about them?
Do you find yourself being distracted from work or your life by the actions of this person?
Does it cause you stress to think about being around them?
I had an experience this week of spending time with someone who seemed to be purposely trying to pick a fight. Since my nature is to avoid conflict, behaviour like this always surprises me, and I often find myself unsure how to respond in the moment.
Hours later, I always come up with the perfect thing to say.
This time, however, I tried a new strategy that was really helpful, and I want to share it with you.
You may have heard me say that our brains mistakenly tell us that our circumstances create our feelings. If only other people would just do what we wanted or expect, we would feel happy.
In the Overwhelm Cure, we’ve been working on staying aware of our feelings and thoughts, holding space for them, and then creating new thoughts that make us feel more in line with how we want to feel. Often, a good mantra will help us in tough moments.
On a related note, people have been asking what I think of Mel Robbins’ new book, “Let Them.” The theory she explores in this book is that we will feel less stress and have better relationships with people if we allow them to be who they are, without our interference or judgement.
This requires us to fully accept people and their choices. It can be hard when we disagree with the decisions or actions of loved ones or friends. But then, there is freedom, where we get to focus on ourselves and take care of our needs.
We need to cultivate self-awareness and allow our feelings to be felt.
When we let ourselves feel our feelings, then we can respond from a mindset that aligns with our values, not just react from a place of anxiety or defensiveness.
This week, the phrase “let them” became my mantra. I had started to take a person’s words and actions personally, which made me frustrated and angry, but I didn't want to stay in that headspace.
I repeated “let them” to myself because I truly believe that another person does not cause my feelings, regardless of their actions.
And I immediately felt better and was able to go about my day with a different, more positive attitude.
However, what happens when we're fundamentally not okay with the way someone is treating us? Should we just let them? Thankfully, no, we don’t always stop there.
The second step of this process is to think about what you want and need.
We can’t change anyone else, and there may be times when people demonstrate behaviour that we simply don’t want to be around. Examples include people making fun of you, saying mean things, or yelling at you. No one deserves that kind of treatment from anyone. Here, Mel Robbins offers the phrase, “let me.” Let me take actions that protect me from mistreatment. Let me walk away, have a conversation, or not be in this relationship/job.
Many of us try to change people, believing that if they just have enough conversations or behave as others want, things will get better. I always recommend having a conversation first, but I, too, am guilty of putting way too much time, effort, and energy into relationships that are just not good for me and will never change. Therefore, “let me” is so freeing.
If other people are allowed to do whatever they want, then so am I.
I don’t have to wait for other people to change or try to convince them to be different. I can set boundaries, because actions speak louder than words.
This week, I decided to “let them” act how they wanted to act, recognized that they were not willing or able to change, even if we had a conversation, and my “let me” decision is to limit my contact with this person. Funny thing is, I’ve made this decision before, but thought I’d give them another chance. My initial decision was confirmed, and I now know that not only is there no changing, but the behaviors are actually getting worse the more I allow them in my life, unchecked. This is good to know. And this experience confirmed that my initial decision was a good one. Even more solid boundaries will be in place now.
There is grief when we finally accept people for who they are, because we wish that we had a closer relationship. But, being in love with someone’s potential is not the same as being in love with the actual person, so it’s ok to be sad that it isn’t so. You will now have the time and energy to find and invest in the relationships that truly nurture you!
