The Power of Reciprocity: Accepting Help and Overcoming Guilt
The Compelling Need To Always Return the Favour
People often feel a need to reciprocate or return favours because reciprocity is a powerful social norm and psychological principle that encourages mutual benefit, obligation, and social harmony.
This ingrained tendency to "give back" helps foster relationships by creating a sense of fairness, commitment, and a desire to maintain balanced exchanges, making it a cornerstone of social behavior.
The leaves are starting to change color here in Alberta, which is a gentle reminder that the seasons are constantly changing. The changing colours serve as a visual reminder that Canadian Thanksgiving is just a few weeks away.
I'm usually the one to host most holidays. I love making every gathering a little special, especially when sharing a meal with family and friends. Inevitably, my guests ask how they can help, and I’m not always great at answering this question.
Asking for, and even receiving help, sometimes makes me feel uncomfortable.
Of course, I'm grateful that others are willing to help and offer before I even have to ask. After wrestling with why this is so uncomfortable, I came across this quote from Brené Brown:
“Until we can receive with an open heart, we are never really giving with an open heart. When we attach judgement to receiving help, we knowingly or unknowingly attach judgement to giving help.”
We struggle to receive support due to cultural norms and our own self-worth.
I believe that many girls are rewarded for being helpful and taking care of others. I also think there's a cultural expectation that women and mothers be the main connectors, chefs, housekeepers, and problem-solvers.
I certainly take pride in the privilege of hosting people I love in my home. However, it often leaves me in the position of being the sole domestic help with little opportunity to enjoy the festivities. And like many people I work with, I became hyper independent in my younger years when I was consistently disappointed by my caregivers. There's also a sprinkling of perfectionism, where I control my concern about what people think of me by making sure that everything is perfect so that no one can criticize or judge me.
This is very often a subconscious process, and we are rarely aware that we have this mindset.
The result is that, in trying to impress people, I often take on too much and am reluctant to ask for or accept help. I get overwhelmed every time, exhaust myself, and usually feel resentment, even though I created the situation.
It’s at this point that many people become upset and frustrated with others, dispensing shouts and blame, and working extra hard to complete all the tasks on the list that are supposed to create a wonderful holiday for everyone. However, they often get frustrated if there isn’t enough time for everything.
When I ask myself how I want to feel hosting a holiday, I want to feel happy and connected.
The thought that I control other people’s experience and that I have to do everything to be liked does not create these feelings. Instead, the thought creates overwhelm, exhaustion, and anger. I have worked hard to change this.
A concept that helps me quiet down the part of me that tends to overfunction is the idea of reciprocity — systems like balance, which is why people like to give back.
When someone unexpectedly does something nice for you, what are your thoughts?
Usually, we're pleasantly surprised, feel warm feelings towards the person, and think about what we can do in return. This desire to reciprocate helps us maintain healthy relationships in which both parties benefit. People feel good when they can help others. I love it when I can help take the pressure off of someone who is hosting me by bringing food, wine, or a gift. I’ve had friends come over early to help me set up for a party or do the dishes so that I can chat with guests.
There is a part of me that really appreciates these gestures, and there is another part that feels guilty. This is the part that is unhelpful and needs addressing. It’s important to name the feeling and allow yourself to feel it. Recognize that it’s not helping you create the experience you want to have.
This mindset has been shaped by your past experiences and the social rules passed down to you.
Often, we operate unconsciously, not wanting to inconvenience others. We believe we should be able to do everything, make it look effortless, and then be appreciated and liked for our work.
To unlearn these lessons and overcome guilt, we need to practice some new thoughts.
What thoughts would create a better experience for you?
Here are some examples that I came up with:
I’m as important as everyone else
My happiness is important
People want to help
Others enjoy helping
I don’t need to do everything
We can all pitch in and share the work
It’s not good for me to do too much
I will teach people how to treat me
Many hands make light work
Then I begin brainstorming different ways others can help, practice being interdependent, and focus on being a good role model for my daughters. At the same time, I untether myself from the kitchen and allow myself to participate and enjoy the company of others.
Then, I will avoid overworking, will enjoy the holiday with people I care about, allow others to feel good about helping, and learn to receive help from others without guilt.
