Why Rejection Hurts (And How to Handle It)
Generally, we have the expectation that everyone should like us. When we start a new job, join a new group, or attend a new school, we're optimistic about the people we'll meet. We usually get all spiffed up in flattering clothes that make us feel confident and put our best foot forward, anticipating that people will be open to meeting us and becoming friends.
But what if we're not met with warmth and excitement?
We're hard-wired for connection, so experiencing rejection often catches us by surprise and feels awful.
And the closer the relationship is to you, the harder it is to go through this experience.
Rejection happens when an individual or group excludes, ignores, or dismisses another person’s presence, ideas, or contributions. It can be explicit or subtle, and it often triggers a range of emotions, including sadness, disappointment, anger, and even self-doubt.
I recently had this experience when someone I’ve known for 20 years stopped replying to my text messages. It’s certainly not the first time I’ve felt rejection, but the situation is confusing. I would describe us as casual friends, but I can’t think of anything that would have precipitated the silence. In fact, I would have described myself as a really good friend to this person.
Rejection is one of the most overwhelming experiences, because it feels like our very survival is being threatened.
Throughout human history, we've relied on our community for safety and to meet our needs. Not belonging to a group could have actually led to death just a few generations ago. This is why rejection triggers our desperation. As humans, we need to be liked and loved to feel safe. However, back in the day, communities typically consisted of around 150 people. Now our networks include thousands of people, and it’s not possible to make all of these people happy.
When we feel rejected, it can prompt us to try to fix the situation and push for a resolution. At other times, it can leave us feeling deflated, and we may even shut down.
How we react to rejection depends on the story we tell ourselves about the situation. The story is usually only loosely based on fact and is informed by our past, self-esteem, and current mindset.
Something to consider is that there may be a reason for the rejection. It always helps to get curious and ask ourselves what we can take responsibility for. There may be ways we can improve so that we can be better people to others. Asking for that feedback is very helpful. Some people will be brave enough to give it, and others won’t.
Sometimes, people may have a reason to want distance from us, but have not done the work to figure out exactly what it is. In these cases, we can only do our best to figure it out and then let it go. We can’t read minds, and may not know how we are impacting other people. If we’re in a relationship with someone, odds are that we can be better, and this could be a great, even if it’s painful, learning experience.
Another aspect of rejection is that it’s about so much more than us and our actions. We also have to consider the other person and their mental state. There have been lots of times in my life when I have been a bad friend or relative because I’ve had a lot on my plate. For example, when I had my first baby, I was exhausted and overwhelmed. My focus was on my family, and I wasn’t able to give other people the time and attention they deserved, as I had before.
Fortunately, most people understood my change in circumstances and didn’t take it personally, which is good, because it wasn’t meant to be personal. Many people go through things that we aren’t even aware of, that change their capacity to connect. At other times, we may be aware that others are going through something, but we don’t anticipate the ways or the length of time it will impact them.
We're worthy of love and care, but other people may not be in a place where they can show us properly, or even have the ability to show us that they care back at the moment. That does not mean that we've done anything wrong or don’t deserve an explanation. It simply means that they are either unable or unwilling to do so at this time.
The remedy for rejection? Self-compassion.
If you're feeling the sting of rejection, it's essential to treat yourself with kindness and refrain from harsh self-criticism.
Here are three simple things you can do today:
Reach out to others you can rely on, talk to trusted friends, family, or professionals about your feelings.
Reflect rationally, challenge negative thoughts, and remind yourself that rejection is a normal part of life and not a reflection of your worth.
Engage in self-care — take care of your physical and mental health through activities that bring comfort, peace, and joy.
Rejection happens to everyone and can feel hurtful and overwhelming in the moment. It's important to identify the story we're telling ourselves about the experience, put it into perspective, and proceed according to our values, as this gives us the best chance of moving forward. And, you never know what the future will bring. With some space and time, there may be the opportunity to reconnect, if you’re open to it!
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