Feeling Alone? The Importance of Connection and Support
As people who have a lot of responsibilities, we're often the ones making sure everyone else is okay.
It takes a considerable amount of time and energy, leaving us little of both for ourselves.
However, every once in a while, someone may surprise you and ask, “How are you, REALLY?” The question can take people back at first, as we often don't take a second to pause and even consider how we’re truly doing. We're often so wrapped up in our to-do lists and the next thing we have going on that it may even take us a moment to answer.
When was the last time you stopped to really think about how you feel?
Humans are hard-wired for connection, love, and belonging. It's one of our basic needs. When we work hard at our jobs and in our personal lives, we can start to feel isolated, even in a room or house full of people. Feeling alone and lonely can quickly lead to overwhelm as we get stuck in our heads and think we don’t have a moment to catch our breath.
Check-ins help us feel connected.
Sharing what we are going through helps put things in perspective and normalizes our experiences. We feel cared for and less alone in our struggles.
At different ages and stages, our network of support can increase and decrease. It's also helpful to recognize who you WISH was someone you could turn to, but often leaves you feeling drained or disappointed. It’s important to let go of any thoughts about what you think the "shoulds" are and grieve the loss of the relationship you wish you had. Then you can intentionally choose to focus on people who are more reliable, or cultivate new relationships.
Navigating The Let Downs
A common mistake many of us make is feeling let down by people when they fail to show up for us during difficult times. There can be many reasons why others may not do what we expect. Firstly, they may not even know we need them. As an executive director and psychologist, I often wondered if people thought I didn’t need them because I seemed to handle things well.
I remember my last year as a leader, I didn’t even get a Christmas card from my staff, whom I buy gifts for each year. And it hurt.
Yes, it’s true that I'm resilient and I can handle my share of challenges, but I’m also human, have feelings, and need support sometimes. And when I need connection, I’ve learned to reach out to my personal and professional network.
The other day, an amazing thing happened. A friend called (like, actually picked up the phone) to check on me. She knew my daughter had packed up and left home, and she called me to see how I was doing. We didn’t chat for long, but it was an unforgettable feeling to know that someone cared.
Secondly, if someone doesn't reach out or check in, we may take it personally, thinking that people don’t care or that we’re not worthy of their time. This is also usually not true.
We don’t always know what others are going through, and there may be lots of reasons why people aren’t there for you.
I was a terrible friend while I was starting an organization, raising kids, and taking care of sick and dying family members. There was a point when I actually wondered if my friends would answer the phone when I called, because I had been so absent. Thank goodness they did.
When it’s been a while, or you’re not used to reaching out, keep these things in mind:
Invest in people who are able and willing to reciprocate
Make reaching out a priority. When you know that someone is going through something, make a point of checking in, taking them out for coffee, or making them a meal
Put it in your calendar. Every week, make a point of reaching out. I have a list of people whom I want to talk to more, so I schedule time to get in touch
Be your own best friend while you are building your support system.
I've found that morning journaling for just five minutes can help set the tone for the day. You can ask yourself how you're feeling and what you need. Take care of yourself!!
Additionally, consider reaching out to professionals who can support you throughout your journey. Sometimes they’re the best people to have on your side, because they won't judge you, but they will gently challenge you.
When you feel overwhelmed, unseen, or unsupported, understand that you are worthy of love and belonging, and you deserve to cultivate practices that nurture you and help strengthen your support network.
Checking in with yourself and other people is the first step to curing overwhelm in our overworked culture.
Today, I invite you to start by checking in with yourself, and then reach out to check in with at least one person. You never know who needs it.
