Stop Sacrificing Your Joy
The Necessity of Nourishing Habits
When we get overwhelmed and stressed, we try to simplify our lives. Without giving it much thought, we cut back on the things we perceive as “nice to have” or “unnecessary for survival.” We tend to choose things that are “easy” to let go of, which often means things that have an impact on us, but minimizes the impact on other people.
Sometimes we tell ourselves that these things are temporary, and that when the busyness subsides, we'll start doing them again.
Instead, what happens is that we create new habits that structure our lives in ways that embrace overwork and overwhelm, and neglect the necessary things like sleep, socializing, and having fun. It happens without us even realizing it!
The other week, I hosted the Courageous Leaders Mastermind Retreat in Kananaskis, AB. It reminded participants (and me too) of how rest, connection, and being goofy are essential to our health and well-being, and aren't just “nice to have”.
We spent three days in one of the most beautiful places in the world, with smart, successful, and intentional women. We invested our time learning new skills and ways to put our lives back into balance — including both work and life. More importantly, we made new friends, moved our bodies, refreshed ourselves in nature, tried new things, laughed out loud, and made lots of great memories!
We all realized we need to do this sort of thing more often, and incorporate more of these fun & energizing elements into our lives.
Let’s explore three things:
Why we let go of nourishing habits in the first place.
What mindset keeps us from bringing the fun & nourishing back.
How to convince our brains that nourishment is actually a necessity for living a fulfilling life.
As a 20-year registered psychologist, I talk to women every day who say that they're not satisfied with the way their life feels. I get it, because I've been one of these women.
They have never-ending to-do lists, feel spread too thin at work and home, don’t feel appreciated, are unhappy with their relationships, and just don’t feel good. Every day starts to feel like Groundhog Day, and we start to look around and wonder if this is as good as it gets.
Sure, we have everything that society tells us will make us blissfully happy, and yet we’re not.
The Problems
We only focus on the tasks. When we're pressed for time and don’t have much energy, our mind tries to think of the easiest and quickest solution: go to bed late, don’t exercise today, skip a meal, cancel plans with friends, and work more.
These solutions are fine (although not the best) for a day. When we don’t know what else to do, and our lives keep piling on more tasks, we use this technique as a long-term solution. The bottom line is that turning to these solutions in the long term is unsustainable.We get tired and grumpy. Letting go of basic self-care and fun things depletes our energy and impacts our mood. At first, we may not even realize how much we've been sacrificing ourselves to get things done, and we may beat ourselves up for not being able to keep up, as if there's something wrong with us for not being able to thrive in an inhospitable environment.
We view basic rights as selfish. When I talk to women about making minor changes to regain some time, energy, and joy, I'm often met with resistance. This is completely normal. Our brains had to make our new normal okay by telling us that our families can’t survive without our care and attention 24/7, that nothing will get done without us getting involved, that others aren’t capable of taking care of themselves, and that our world will become a colossal train wreck if we don’t maintain tight controls and strict schedules.
These are all lies that we think define “good moms” and that we have created to feel good about our terrible working conditions. It will take time to readjust our thinking.
It’s normal to feel worried about letting go of control. And when you do, you can begin to regain some joy and fulfillment.
The Solutions
Make good choices. You have a finite amount of time and energy, and you simply can’t do everything you think you should do. If you could, you would feel like you were living your best life.
Try this:
Write down everything you need to do today.
Rank every item in order of importance.
Get rid of at least one thing on the list (the more the better). That means don’t do it at all, delegate it, or postpone it for a day (or week).Dream big. Write down all the things that make you happy when you think about doing them. Sprinkle in some things that you only dream of doing right now. And then, challenge yourself to do one thing that lights you up every day. Put those things on your calendar to make sure they happen!
Change your thinking. When our brains tell us that we don’t deserve essential human rights like eating good food regularly, sleeping as much as we need, having time every day to take a break, or time to have fun, this is actually unintentional, disordered thinking. It happens to many of us at some point in our lives, but it isn’t true and doesn’t serve us.
Nothing is wrong with you, but we need to change our thought patterns to intentional thoughts that take care of us and sustain our health and wellbeing. We can counter unhelpful thoughts with these:
“I'm just as important as other people.”
“Other people get to choose their actions and consequences, so I can too.”
“It’s not my job to always protect other people.”
“It’s empowering for others to be uncomfortable and find their own solutions.”
“I am allowed to ask for help.”
“I’m not responsible for other people’s feelings or experiences.”
Retreats and girls’ trips help remind us that there's an awesome, fun person inside of us, and that we deserve to feel loved and cared for.
We deserve to create an amazing life for ourselves and intentionally choose how we want our lives to feel.
There are so many things we don’t control. However, we do control our mindset and our choices, which can make all the difference during the normal ups and downs of life.
When we let go of trying to manage and control all of the people and circumstances around us, we become free to turn our focus inwards and take the best care of our minds and bodies.
The result? More peace, health, and happiness.
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