The Hidden Cause of Stress and Conflict: Managing Your Expectations of Others
"Peace begins when expectations end." — Buddha
I’ve recently noticed that much of the stress we encounter in life stems from “stealth” expectations.
Brené Brown defines stealth expectations as unvoiced, often unconscious desires—expectations we don't realize we have—that lead to resentment, disappointment, and conflict when unmet.
Where do these expectations come from?
These stealth expectations are often associated with perfectionism, which involves unreasonable, often impossibly high expectations of ourselves and others.
It sounds like this: "I want things to go a certain way, and for people to behave a certain way, so that I can FEEL a certain way."
How many times have you thought of something your spouse, friend, or even a referee at a hockey game did or said, and it made you frustrated?
This usually happens because we expected things to be different in our minds. On top of that, we often aren’t even aware of our expectations and therefore don't communicate them, and we often find ourselves disappointed.
To be on the receiving end of these stealth expectations is also incredibly frustrating, and I have had many conversations with people who say, “They should just know why I’m mad. Isn’t it obvious?” Unfortunately, it’s only obvious to us. Other people can't read our minds.
"Expectations are resentments waiting to happen" (often attributed to Anne Lamott)
Six Steps to Managing Stealth Expectations
1. Identify your expectations before you act
In order to save ourselves the frustration, we can ask ourselves what our expectations are before we do things, like going to a family gathering or attending a business meeting.
Do you expect people to be on their best behavior?
What if they’re not?
Do you expect people to make the choices you would make for their business?
What if you disagree?
2. Check your expectations when you feel frustrated
If we haven’t planned that far in advance, then ask yourself what your expectations were the next time you feel frustrated. When I went to an Oilers hockey game recently, I expected the refs to see and call an obvious tripping penalty against the opposing team. The video guys even replayed it on the big screen several times, but nothing happened. I was annoyed, and then a penalty was not called against us. It led to a good conversation between my husband and me about expectations — and how we expected the refs to be perfect and to make certain calls.
3. Determine if the expectation is realistic and communicated
Then we can ask ourselves whether this is a realistic expectation or one that would only happen in a perfect world. Did we communicate our expectations? It's like expecting your kids to help with the dishes and getting mad when they didn’t do what you were hoping they would. Were they supposed to read your mind?
4. Manage your own feelings
We want things to be a certain way so we don’t feel uncomfortable. If we feel uncomfortable, it's easier to blame our circumstances or other people than to take responsibility for managing them, in the short term.
In the long term, it's much easier to address the real problem, knowing that we don’t have to control other people and circumstances to feel good. I don’t know if you’ve tried, but it often doesn’t work out that well and can be very stressful. (Clearly, I'm speaking from experience).
5. Use mindful breathing to calm your nervous system
The simplest way to manage your feelings is to take a breath and hold it. Then breathe out and hold it. It tells our nervous system that we're safe and can handle what we're experiencing in the moment.
I love Brené Brown’s husband Steve’s line of thinking: “Do I have enough information to freak out? Will freaking out be helpful?” What IS helpful? Steve is a doctor, so he knows that in his line of work, there's rarely (if ever) a situation where freaking out will be useful.
6. Keep an open mind
Keep an open mind. People don't have to say or do things a certain way for us to love them, and we also don't have to be perfect to be loved.
Worthiness is not earned; it's your birthright.
I like to tell myself, "Whatever happens, happens. You can handle it…especially with great boundaries!"
Letting go of "stealth expectations" is the ultimate act of self-care. It frees you from the burden of trying to control the uncontrollable and replaces frustration with self-soothing and peace. By practicing these six steps, you move closer to a life in which your well-being is determined by your internal response rather than external circumstances.
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