Understanding Your Hot Buttons: A Guide to Emotional Triggers
"Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom." Viktor E. Frankl
When’s the last time you got really mad or upset about something?
Does it take a lot to get you riled up, or are you easily triggered? I knew I was overwhelmed and close to burnout when I felt like exploding all the time, even when my kids asked me a simple question.
It seemed like I always had to take a breath because I constantly felt rushed and at the end of my patience.
Can you relate?
It’s not a fun place to be, and I’m sure the people around me didn’t think I was much fun, either. I knew I couldn’t continue living that way, so figuring out what overwhelmed me and learning to cope with it was essential.
The first and most important step is recognising that you're being triggered.
Ask yourself at the end of the day if you're happy with how you responded to the day’s events. Notice that I didn’t ask if your day went well.
The real question is this …
Regardless of what happened today, did you show up in ways that aligned with your values? Did you react or respond intentionally?
We don’t control other people or our circumstances, but we certainly control how we react. That doesn’t mean we’re perfect, as we're constantly learning and growing, but it means we're always striving towards our aspirational self.
Here are five helpful strategies to support you in identifying your emotional triggers and responding intentionally:
Get faster at recognising your emotions in the moment.
Especially when you feel upset, pay attention to your body when your heart starts racing, your face gets flushed, or you start shaking. Many people will get even more upset that their body is responding with observable signs of stress, but I’d like to encourage you to simply pay attention.Get curious about your body's response.
Question what's happening. Our brain goes through a think-feel-do process, so once you notice something painful happening, see if you can identify the feeling. Are you noticing hurt? Fear? Frustration? Overwhelm? When you name the feeling, you can begin to tame it. Once you land on a feeling, ask yourself what you were thinking right before you had the feeling. This takes some practice, and writing down your ideas is helpful to get clarity. I noticed that I felt shame when I wasn’t perfect. I worried that people would judge me and think I was incompetent. I find it fascinating that this whole process happens in a split second, before we even realise it!Check your facts.
Our brains will fill in the gaps when we don’t have all of the information we need to create a complete story. In other words, we make a lot of assumptions about people and the situations we find ourselves in. If we can get clear on what we know for sure, then we can ask the questions that we need answers to from the other people involved. You may come to a new understanding, or someone may confirm your assumptions, and you need to set a boundary. Either way, you’ll get the clearest picture possible of the situation.Practice, practice, practice.
It gets easier with time. The more you follow these steps, the faster and better you will get at noticing your feelings and responding with integrity. Be proud of that!Pay attention to the physical conditions that make it hard to have integrity.
Are you hungry? Have you had a long day? Did you get enough sleep? Are hormones a factor? I try not to engage in emotionally taxing conversations if I’m hungry or exhausted. If you’ve had a lot of coffee or a glass of wine, that can also impact how you respond.
Most people react to situations instead of responding with intention. You will have so much power and great results if you can pause, notice, decide, and then act.
When people do it well, it looks effortless, but the process is anything but effortless. It takes a lot of emotional and mental effort, but it's 100% worth the connection you will have at home and work, and the pride when you show up in alignment with your values. Life isn’t going to stop, so decompressing your life and acting with intention instead of reaction is key to managing emotional triggers.
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