What I Have Learned From 20 Years of Marriage
On July 9th, 2005, just days after my 30th birthday, I got married. I was so happy to have found someone I loved. Back in my late 20s, I began to wonder if I would ever find someone. When I reflect on the idea of not finding someone now, it seems ridiculous, but at the time, I made peace with the notion that I might never get married and have children. Then, as it happened, I ran into someone I didn't know well but graduated with at our 10-year high school reunion. We lived in different cities at the time, but we made it happen, and the rest was history.
Getting together was one thing, but having a thriving marriage was a whole other ball game. In Canada, for the past few decades, about 40% of marriages have ended in divorce. My own parents divorced when I was just two years old, and my dad divorced a second time as well.
When I thought about healthy marriages that I wanted to emulate in real life, there were very few that came to mind.
I would say that our relationship is better than it has ever been, and I look forward to it continuing to improve as we have more time when our kids move out.
Here's what I've learned so far after 20 years of marriage that can help you in your partnership today:
1. Choose your partner wisely.
What you see is what you get. I have spoken to many friends and clients over the years who see the potential in people and believe that with time and love, they will evolve. This rarely happens, so pick someone that you like, and the things that annoy you are things you can live with. Ironically, you will likely choose someone who is your opposite, as these qualities will complement, rather than compete with, the other person.
2. Commitment in your relationship is key.
When breaking up is on the table, it makes the relationship shaky. If you can agree to some basic ground rules, such as being faithful, avoiding name-calling, and refraining from threats like divorce, then there's more trust in the relationship and the other person.
3. Communicate more than you think you need to.
I often find that people are unclear when they make requests. People can't read your mind. However, if you don't understand, ask for clarification. Learn how to talk about hard things, and don't let the small (and big) things pile up. I grew up in a household that avoided conflict, and I now realize that my marriage won't end because I express my preferences or make requests of my husband. The first 10-15 years were much harder because I would keep many things to myself and get frustrated. Then I would get really mad, and my husband wouldn't understand why. I had to practice having calm, tough conversations, but it has made a huge difference. In addition, plan to chat for at least 10 minutes every day so you can stay connected.
4. Be a best friend to your partner.
Be kind and treat your partner with respect, especially in front of others. We can all feel frustrated with our spouses, but being mean is counter-productive. I had family members who would always bicker in front of people. Not only were they hard to be around, because no one wants to see other people uncomfortable, but I'm sure they felt embarrassed by some of the things that were said. Needless to say, their marriage didn't just end — it eventually went down in flames. I’m sure the resentment that was created from their bickering communication style greatly contributed to the relationship's demise.
5. Focus on making changes to yourself first.
Referring back to my first point, it's unlikely that your spouse will change in any significant way. Therefore, focusing on what you can change — YOU — is essential. In fact, some couples psychologists won't work with a couple until they have worked on themselves first. The reason is that humans don't like to be wrong, make a lot of assumptions, and we often blame others rather than taking responsibility for ourselves and our actions. When we're in a marriage, we're 50% responsible, because we are part of the interaction. Owning our stuff goes a long way!
6. Be open to feedback, and say you're sorry.
Assuming you're not perfect (darn), be open to listening to what your spouse has to say. Our first instinct may be to take things personally and get defensive, but if you can stay curious, you may find a gold mine. People don't need you to agree with them; they only want to be heard and understood. Apologize or make amends for your part in the situation. Everyone sees situations from their own perspective, which may be very different from that of their spouses. Instead of listening for the ways that you're not good enough, listen for what they are trying to tell you.
7. A marriage is not 50/50 — it's 100/100.
Small things matter over time, and this is how trust is built. There were many years when I felt like I was carrying the weight of the marriage when we had kids, when my husband was in difficult work years, and when my father-in-law died. When I lost my mom and grandma, and when I was burning out at work, my husband carried the load. You never know when you are going to get sick or hurt, and it's worth investing in your relationship to the point of having a surplus for the times when you need to make a withdrawal.
8. Having kids is a huge adjustment, so manage expectations and get help.
Becoming a parent is the most rewarding, love-filled time, and also so hard. It's easy to put all of your energy into your kids and leave little for yourself and your spouse. This can erode a relationship over time, and there will be a day when they move out. Make sure you still have a relationship when that day comes. It can help to create a 1-, 3-, and 5-year relationship plan so that both of you can pursue things you want to do individually and as a family, and you intentionally move in similar directions.
9. Get help before you call a long-term relationship "over."
Eighty percent of couples break up after counselling because most couples go as a last-ditch effort before they break up. I believe that everyone is doing the best they can with the skills, abilities, and resources available to them at the time... even my husband! It may not be an ideal situation, but compassion goes a long way in your relationship compared to judgment. When we're frustrated and feel like we've tried everything, get help. There are great books to read written by John Gottman, like Why Marriages Succeed or Fail, and there are couples psychologists who can help mediate. Especially when kids are involved, it's important to turn over every stone.
10. Make time for fun in your marriage.
Life can be challenging, yet it's also filled with opportunities to laugh and have fun every day. Plan fun things every week so you both have something to look forward to. It can be a game and movie night with friends, a walk by the river, or a homemade pizza party!
In 20 years, my marriage has had its ups and downs, but our commitment to each other has helped us navigate difficult times and savor the great moments. To take the next 20 years from surviving to thriving, my husband and I plan to do more things we enjoy together, find even more couples to hang out with who have great relationships, and continue to maintain open communication. We've certainly had our share of arguments over the years, but in the end, we are both invested in each other's happiness, so we've been willing to accept each other for who we are and change in ways that support our relationship. Here's to another 20!
If you're struggling with your partnership, therapy can help. Get in touch to see if it's right for you.
