Empathy vs. Overfunctioning: Finding Your Balance
What is mine to fix?
I’ve connected with a lot of friends and family recently, and I’ve been hearing about their lives and struggles. Quite often, I think, “I know what to do,” and it makes me want to fix their problems for them. I want to give advice, take over, and generally become their life manager.
If I’m being honest, I don’t like seeing people I care about struggle. I can relate to how it feels, and don’t want people to suffer. There is also this thought that it’s my responsibility to make things okay for other people. It makes me feel anxious and overwhelmed.
Is it a problem that people have problems? What is my role?
In the past, I have had empathy and then taken it upon myself to help them, but that has led to overwhelm. I know that this is me overfunctioning. It happens when we try to control our own anxiety. Taking responsibility to help them resolve the problem is a problem, because not everyone needs my help or even wants a resolution. Pushing my agenda can lead to resentment on both sides, because unsolicited advice is often perceived as criticism.
An unintended consequence of focusing on others' issues is that I don’t put effort into my own. Many people would rather focus on other people’s lives and use them as a distraction from their problems. I get it because I’ve done it.
It’s like a double-whammy: not only do your problems not go away when you ignore them, but taking on other people’s issues can get exhausting after a while!
My new practice: feel my feelings of overwhelm, and practice empathy and self-compassion.
When hearing about other people’s struggles, there are three things that are helpful:
Hold space with love as you listen and empathize.
Ask whether they want to be heard or want your help.
Let them figure it out while they feel their emotions.
It takes courage to face our own “stuff” and allow others to face theirs. Just like when I cleaned out my closet recently, we can see what we own and can use it. We make a commitment to keeping our lives neat and tidy so that we can be our best selves for others, without our “junk” getting in the way.
It’s a balance between taking care of ourselves and taking care of others, rather than neglecting our own needs and focusing only on someone else.
Paying that much attention to ourselves can feel selfish at first, but it ultimately feels nurturing, loving, and supportive.
One of my favorite mantras to recite when I encounter someone sharing their struggle: Just because I can, doesn’t mean I should.
I also like to think of the Serenity Prayer when I feel the urge to jump in and rescue people:
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
Courage to change the things I can, and
Wisdom to know the difference.
Living one day at a time,
Enjoying one moment at a time,
Accepting hardship as the pathway to peace.
- Reinhold Niebuhr
When we're looking for ways to address our overwhelm, we find that helping and rescuing are often ways that we inadvertently make it worse. Not only are we giving more than we have, but we're also avoiding the things that stress us out. Being brave, allowing people to take care of their own things, and addressing our own issues finally allows us to lay down the heavy burden we are carrying. Being lighter will give us more energy and time to do the things that truly fill our cups, and it will model what a balanced life looks like to the ones we love.
