3 Steps to Help Your Young Adult Child Move Back In This Summer (Without Chaos)
After the Empty Nest: When Your Young Adult Child Returns Home
Did your parents have a rule that once you turned 18, you had to leave home?
And did it extend to the point that once you leave home, you can’t come back?
Kids these days are leaving home later than previous generations, and they’re returning home more often.
“Around 2025, the average age Americans move out of their parents’ home is typically in the mid-to-late 20s—most commonly around 24 to 27.” Source.
This extended stay is driven by high housing costs and financial necessity, with significant proportions of adults in their late 20s and even early 30s still living at home. Source.
I found it hard to watch my daughter move away for university, and it took me nine months before I could even talk about it without crying. I was surprised to realize that it is also hard to welcome her back home. It feels so quiet without them for a few months, and then the family system adjusts. We got used to one less agenda, one less plate at the table, less noise, less mess, and fewer disagreements.
Then, she came home for the holidays. While we were excited to see her, it seemed to throw a wrench into the system, with her different schedule (late to bed and late to wake), different eating times, and friends visiting.
As my college kid came home for the holidays, the disagreements began, as did the mess.
This made me realize we can’t just assume things will go back to the way they were, as everybody has changed, and not acknowledging this can be a recipe for disaster. The goal of this phase is to avoid controlling their young adult lives and to shift our role to that of trusted allies and mentors.
I started wondering how to make her four-month move home for the summer a little easier, and here’s what I’ve come up with:
1) Talk about it.
Initiate discussions with both your returning young adult and each family member to address everyone’s fears and concerns. For example, my oldest daughter suggested moving into the basement guest bedroom, which is a great solution to address late-night noise and sharing a bathroom with her sister. This is the time to listen and gather information without judgement. Many feelings can be released when people feel heard and taken seriously, even if the problem isn’t solved. It's also helpful to practice emotional tolerance during these family discussions.
2) Brainstorm.
Prioritize the issues that come up, and brainstorm ideas to address them without judgement. This is a process of problem-solving and experimentation. For instance, we’ll create a new chores list so that everyone contributes, and we’ll give the basement bedroom a shot to see if it makes things easier for everybody.
3) Keep Talking.
Continue having these conversations by holding a family meeting after dinner once a week to check in on what’s working and what’s not. Set family rules, such as allowing each person to speak without interruption and saying “thank you” after each contribution (even if you disagree).
If something needs to be discussed (no relationship is perfect, so practice and normalize apologizing) or changes need to be made to your home setup, set the timer on your phone for five minutes and discuss. This helps to make the conversation to the point and productive. Make an agreement to be as calm as possible and avoid name-calling. Stick to the facts, but don’t be afraid to say how you feel. The objective is to acknowledge each person’s experience and be willing to work on the problem. You can ask, “How do we help each person in this family get their needs met?”
And a bonus, 4th step: Get support when things get overwhelming.
Here are some additional options you can try:
I’ve been loving Dr. Becky and her website Good Inside for parenting advice and workshops.
Brené Brown’s Parenting Manifesto: The Wholehearted Parenting Manifesto (it's never too late to create one!)
If you're finding this process overwhelming, get in touch for private therapy.
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