How to (Actually) Apologize to Rebuild Trust
"I'm Sorry."
Last week, I wrote about receiving feedback, which made me think about what happens when a mistake is made, intentional or unintentional. Our brains often trick us into believing that when someone hurts us, they did it deliberately. But in my experience as a psychologist, friend, wife, and mother, most of us will actually try to avoid hurting people at all costs, even people we don't really like. When someone tells me I have hurt them, nine times out of ten, I didn't even know it happened.
Have you ever been wronged and thought the other person should just know what they did and how it affected you, because it seems so obvious?
Then, do you wish they would just apologize and listen to how their actions impacted you?
It can be hard to do anything other than lash out or shut down. However, if we want to live wholehearted lives, addressing the issue the right way and quickly is important so that resentment doesn't creep in and later affect the quality of the relationship.
Dealing with Conflict When You're Hurt
Making generous assumptions about people’s intentions helps put the interaction in perspective, and then communicating our perspective to the other person gives us the best chance of resolution.
About 90% of the time, conflicts stem from misunderstandings that call for a conversation.
Most people don't want to bring up how someone has wronged them because, ironically, they don't want to hurt THEIR feelings. But if we keep it to ourselves, we'll feel hurt and resentful, which makes it harder to maintain a good relationship with them. At worst, we feel better because we spoke up; at best, the other person apologizes.
On the other hand, what happens if we had done the offending?
If you grew up as I did as a Gen-Xer, there were no role models for effective and genuine apologies. The person with the most power was right, and would get very upset and punish you if you questioned them. Issues were ALWAYS swept under the rug and ignored forever. There was a lot of frustration, resentment, and defensiveness — it was not a pleasant way to live.
It's safe to say that most of us feel terrible knowing we have hurt someone and haven't tried to smooth things over. Apologizing is a skill you can work on, and it IS a skill we can all improve on.
The Silver Lining of Their Anger
Fortunately, we can learn how to apologize. I don't think it will ever feel comfortable when you learn or suspect that you have hurt someone’s feelings, and it can seem like the hurt isn't fixable. But, I'm here to tell you that even when it seems the other person will never forgive you, they're likely looking for a repair attempt. If they weren't, they wouldn't be so mad. If they didn't care about you, your actions wouldn't mean much to them. The fact that they are upset means they care about you and the relationship.
The Three-Step Process to a Great Apology
Here are the three steps to making a great apology. The goal is to show self-awareness and growth.
Step 1: Take responsibility for behaviour.
You can say something like, “I take responsibility for my comments at the meeting,” or “I take responsibility for missing the deadline.”
Step 2: Identify the behaviour.
This may sound something like, “I recognize my comments were hurtful and uncalled for,” or “I recognize that I did not do what I said I was going to do.” The other person needs to know that you get it.
Step 3: Make amends.
This is the apology. You might say something like, “Next time I will keep my comments to myself and speak to you privately after the meeting,” or “Next time I will be more realistic with my timeline, be more organized, and let you know sooner if I need an extension.”
It feels very vulnerable to admit we made a mistake, but the reality is that we're human and we all make mistakes. It builds empathy and trust when we have the courage to take responsibility and make amends.
Most importantly, when we get good at repairing relationships, we also teach others how to do the same. So whether it is our kids, our colleagues, our friends, or our family members, we are being a good role model. Our relationships will flourish, and people will respect us more.
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