Stop Taking Criticism Personally: How to Handle Feedback Without Feeling Defensive
What to Do When You Feel Defensive
When I ask for feedback, one of the first things that happens is that I feel defensive. I don’t always love what I hear.
It doesn’t make me stop asking for input, because there are always things that help and make me better at what I do when I’m able to implement them.
At the same time, some feedback hits a nerve. I know it hit a nerve when I get defensive in my head and feel some shame creeping up. In the past, I usually had instinctive thoughts like, “they don’t know what they’re talking about,” or “this person is just mean.”
Those thoughts made me feel the need to defend myself, and I'd end up overexplaining in an attempt to make sure people understood me and my thought process. Ultimately, I would want to dislike the person and cut them out of my life for criticizing me.
The Root of Defensiveness: Why Your Brain Kicks In
This reaction is very typical because our biggest fear is being disliked or rejected. Our sympathetic nervous system kicks in, and we want to fight, flee, fawn, or freeze.
I've encountered some people this month who seem to have gotten stuck in this mindset and see the world as a dangerous place where everyone is out to get them. It’s not a fun place to be. I think we all have had these moments in life, so let’s talk about how to know if this is you, and what to do about it.
Are You Defensive?
Three Underrated Self-Awareness Questions
Self-awareness is an underrated skill. I encourage you to ask yourself these questions:
When other people are talking about or commenting on things you care about, like your work, your family…
Do you find yourself getting upset?
Do you find yourself not listening to what they say, but rather thinking about what you want to say in response?
Do you say things you later regret or shut down?
If you answered yes to any of these questions, you may be defensive. It can feel safer to be this way, but what are you missing out on? It’s hard to have close connections and healthy relationships when our dukes are up. We protect our hearts from everything, but it can get awfully lonely.
Three Steps to Move Past Defensiveness
Step 1: Do this instead: Get Curious, Not Critical
Get curious about whether there's a real threat or if it is something that your mind is making up. It helps to take a pause in the moment, and then write down what came up during the interaction to see if you can look at just the facts. This will help you look at the situation from a high level and from the other person’s point of view.
Step 2: Embrace Vulnerability and Give the Benefit of the Doubt
Embrace vulnerability and stay open to really listening to understand what other people have to say. See where you can give them the benefit of the doubt. What if they weren’t trying to make you mad, but actually were trying to be helpful?
Step 3: Find Grounded Confidence
Find grounded confidence and stop taking things personally. People’s thoughts reveal more about them than they do about you, so put the situation in perspective. Will this issue be a thing in 5 days, 5 months, or 5 years? Then, set firm boundaries when you need to.
You are worthy of love and belonging just because you exist, and nothing anyone can say can change that.
It helps when you put some emotional distance between what other people think and what you think. Other people are allowed to think whatever they want, as are you. If people say something you truly don’t agree with, a response could be, “That’s a thought,” “That’s an interesting perspective,” or “Tell me more.”
You can handle whatever comes your way. You’ll be surprised how many times you actually don’t need to be defensive. Even if someone says something you don’t like, you’ve gotten through hard things before, and you can do it in this situation. You can let go of the need for people to understand you, and just let them think whatever they want.
If you found this piece helpful, you may also enjoy reading about related topics such as managing criticism, building confidence, and setting healthy boundaries:
Receiving Feedback Mindfully: Learn How To Receive Criticism With Grace in a way that promotes growth, not defensiveness.
Embracing Vulnerability: Discover The Courage to Be Imperfect and why letting your guard down is key to connection.
Mastering Boundaries: Read aboutMastering Boundaries As the Key to Overcoming Overwhelm and protecting your energy.
