5 Ways to Rewrite Your Negative Self-Talk into Positive Thinking
We talk to ourselves all day long, and we're rarely aware of what we're saying.
What do you say to yourself when you make a mistake?
How do you feel when you get feedback on a project?
What do you think when your child gets frustrated with you?
How do you react when your to-do list is overflowing?
What do you think when a friend doesn't call you back?
Because our brain has a negativity bias, we naturally think more negatively than positively.
Thoughts are simply sentences in our brain, and if we consider them to be neutral, then we can choose what we make them mean and how they make us feel. We can’t make our brains stop having thoughts, but we can intentionally shift them in a direction that creates more happiness.
The other day, when I was cooking dinner, I was doing too many things at once — only realizing this when I smelled the potatoes burning in the oven. My instant reaction was frustration — the meal was ruined. Wishing I had set a timer, I also didn't want to put in the work of preparing a fresh batch.
These are the kinds of thoughts that ran through my mind:
“You should know better and set a timer!”
“What’s wrong with you?”
“Your family isn’t going to like you because you can’t cook.”
These thoughts made me pause. I would never speak to a friend like that. But here I am, thinking things that make me feel terrible about my mistake.
Years ago, it was actually my therapist (yes, therapists have therapists), who suggested I pause to notice the thoughts I think. At first, I didn't think it was necessary. I wasn't an insane person who talked to themselves.
It turned out that paying attention to my thoughts was a valuable exercise. While uncomfortable at first, it showed me where I could be kinder to myself.
Because I'm human, sometimes those negative thoughts creep in. I'm much better at catching them these days, but occasionally, they work their way in there.
Here are five simple strategies to help you notice — and rework that negative self-talk into something positive and more supportive.
Notice and write down what you're thinking for a few hours.
Are you being kind? Judgemental? Punishing? Critical? These thoughts are trying to make you more likable by bullying you into not doing things that will upset others. However, punishment kills motivation and self-esteem, so these thoughts are actually having the opposite impact, and we can intentionally change them.Decide how you want to feel today.
Set an intention in the morning, and remind yourself of it throughout the day. Would you like to feel calm today? Confident? Patient?Create a list of thoughts that will help you feel the way you want to feel.
If I want to feel calm, I could say things to myself like, “I make mistakes when I rush.” “I know what I’m doing.” “I will get the most important things done, and the rest can wait.” “How I feel is more important than what I accomplish.” “Who can I ask for help?”Practice helpful thoughts at key moments of the day, like breakfast, lunch, and dinner.
Set a reminder on your phone or in your calendar. Place some sticky notes around the house to keep these helpful thoughts top of mind.Try thought stopping.
When I was trying to sleep last night, my brain started bringing up events from my past that made me feel bad. Perhaps these situations need addressing, but as I was tired and trying to get some sleep, I wasn't having a good time.
I used a technique called “thought stopping” to get to sleep. Here's how it works: I noticed the thought, and then told my brain to stop. I changed my position in bed and intentionally thought about something that brings me joy. The distressing thought did not go away completely, but it faded enough so that I could get to sleep.
When you practice these steps, you will be much more aware of the factors that impact your mood. We often think other people make us feel feelings, but you'll notice that sleep, hunger, exercise, stress, hormones, the number of things on your plate, the quality of relationships, and general lifestyle also impact your mood.
In addition, you'll become aware of when our cute little primitive brain is looking for things that could hurt us emotionally and physically, and we can start to challenge the thoughts that are offered to us. Then we can get better at managing all of the things that are in our control, externally and internally. Then, we will be better able to manage the things that are on our plates and the surprises that come up in life. Instead of taking us out of the game emotionally and physically, we can seek support and manage our mind so that we can ride the wave without getting sucked under with the rip tide. Overall, you will feel less stress and more joy, and life will be more fun!
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