What Self-Care Really Looks Like
Hint: It’s Not Always Bubble Baths
When you think of self-care, what comes to mind?
A luxurious lavender-scented massage?
A restorative pedicure?
A glass of expensive wine?
A new outfit?
A bubble bath with Epson salts?
These things all sound good in theory, but they don’t help us feel the way we want for more than five minutes. Also, they might only be minor fixes that come with unwanted repercussions.
To dig deeper, let me ask you this …
If you could change one thing about your life today, what would it be?
Would you want to be less busy?
Less stressed?
Less tired?
Less frustrated?
Less overwhelmed?
There's one skill that will help you with all of these concerns — mindfulness.
Mindfulness simply means paying attention and connecting with how you're feeling and what you need.
Asking ourselves what we really need is at the heart of true self-care.
We've been taught to deny how we're feeling so that we can be productive. But at what cost?
Sad over a breakup? Push it aside and get your butt to work. Grieve on your own time.
Have period cramps? Take an Advil and hop on the bus to school.
Feel scared about performing? Suck it up and do it anyway.
During COVID, I moved less, ate more, and gained weight. I decided to start the journey of changing my lifestyle so that I could be healthier and feel better. Deepak Chopra released a blog that challenged me to ask the question, “What am I hungry for?” (You can check out the book of a similar name, What Are You Hungry For?).
When we eat when we're not hungry, it’s actually not about nourishment. I love this question so much for what I uncovered. When I would crave sugar and caffeine after lunch, I realized I was tired. Not surprisingly, I wasn’t sleeping very well. With this awareness, instead of reaching for a second cup of coffee in those moments, I decided to work on my sleep and simply close my eyes for ten minutes.
We all have basic self-care needs, but when we get busy, we often come last.
We have five essential needs:
Physical
Emotional
Intellectual
Social
Spiritual
The next time you realize you're looking to distract or numb, run through this list of five needs and see what comes up. Perhaps you need to talk with a friend. Maybe you need to have some fun. Consider going for a walk to calm your mind.
This concept seems so simple and intuitive, but clearly it's not. Many of my clients report that they feel guilty for taking time to address their needs. They think it's selfish to spend money on themselves instead of their loved ones, and feel that they should be spending time with or taking care of others, not themselves.
I can relate to the challenging feelings, but what's the alternative? Does neglecting your needs make your life better? Would you want your child to grow up and live life the same way? (This question does the trick for many of my clients.)
When we pay attention and become aware of our true needs, we're better able to address them and feel truly cared for. When we feel cared for, we're happier, are more pleasant to be around, and have more energy for the things and people that matter most.
The next time you find yourself in a moment of overwhelm, it's helpful to pay attention to what’s really going on and ask yourself what you really need. It can take time to practice this skill, but over time, you'll get faster at recognizing your genuine self-care needs. Keep practicing, because it will make a big difference in how you feel day to day. Set aside some guilt-free time for fun and relaxation this week, and let me know how it goes!
