63: The 3-Step Formula for a Perfect Apology
How to Offer a Meaningful Apology and Repair Trust
I recently received some feedback that got me thinking: what happens when we unintentionally hurt someone else's feelings? Our brains often trick us into believing that when someone hurts us, they did it deliberately. But in my experience as a psychologist, friend, and human, most of us will actually try to avoid hurting people at all costs. Even people we don't like.
When someone tells me I’ve hurt them, nine times out of ten, I didn't even know it happened.
When we're on the receiving end of hurt, though, it’s common to want to lash out or shut down. However, to keep resentment from creeping in, it's important to address the issue quickly. This means making generous assumptions about the other person's intentions, because about 90% of the time, conflicts stem from misunderstandings that call for a conversation.
On the flip side, what happens when we're the ones who offended someone? If you grew up as I did as a Gen-Xer, there were no role models for effective and genuine apologies. Issues were swept under the rug, and we learned to be defensive to avoid accountability.
It's safe to say that most of us feel terrible knowing we've hurt someone and haven't tried to smooth things out.
Even when a relationship feels damaged beyond repair, the other person is likely looking for you to attempt to repair it. There is a silver lining, too — the fact that they're upset means they care about you and the relationship.
If apologizing is a skill you're working on (and it IS a skill we can all improve on), in this episode, you'll hear a helpful three-step process to making a great apology.
Key Takeaways:
Our brains often assume others hurt us intentionally, but usually, it's unintentional.
Addressing conflict quickly can help prevent resentment from creeping into your relationships.
When hurt, it's useful to make generous assumptions about the other person's intentions and then communicate your perspective.
Being good at apologizing quickly increases trust and empathy in your relationships.
Timestamps:
00:00 Why We Assume Intent
01:38 Speak Up Before Resentment Creeps In
02:46 Misunderstanding Vs. Boundaries
04:48 When You Hurt Someone
04:56 Why Apologies Feel Hard
07:36 Why It's a Good Thing They're Upset
08:30 Three-Step Apology Process
09:57 Strategies for Staying Calm
11:41 Keeping Your Apology Clear
12:19 Examples That Defuse Anger
14:06 Growth And Better Relationships
15:29 Teach Repair To Others
16:59 Closing And Contact Information
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