Regrets: Learning from the Past to Live Better Today
When I participated in a mobility class at the gym the other morning, we used yoga therapy balls under our feet to massage and loosen tension.
I’ve been having trouble with plantar fasciitis and foot pain for years, and using the ball was so helpful. I wish I had done this decades ago! I’m glad I have this knowledge now, but I also had some feelings of regret and sadness that I didn’t do this earlier in my life. I was thinking that perhaps I could have prevented some of the issues I currently have.
While this line of thinking may be true, is it helpful?
Does focusing on regrets help me feel the way I want to, which is enjoying the moment, being motivated, and hopeful about the future? No. It makes me feel defeated, as if I have wasted time. And it actually reduces my motivation because I start thinking, 'What's the point? It’s too late." (which I also know is not true and actually an unhelpful thought distortion)
This rabbit hole of regrets can feel very overwhelming.
I’ve also been having thoughts about my kids and wishing I had known they would both be so interested in sports. I wish we had played catch with them or played more physical games. The thought is that perhaps they would be better in their athletic endeavours now, or wouldn’t have to work so hard, had they started younger.
The result of these thoughts is that I feel regret and tell myself I could have been a better mom, or I should have thought ahead.
Another one that has come up for me again is that I wish I had handled COVID differently. At the time, there was so much fear and uncertainty, and I wish I had homeschooled my kids.
Taking classes online and then not being allowed to move from their desks was not helpful. It makes me feel disappointment in myself and the system. These thoughts cause me to look back with judgement and cover my memories of that time with a dark cloud.
I recently started learning about how to manage my blood sugar levels, and I wish I had learned these things earlier and applied them my whole life. I’ve always had low energy and low iron levels, and I wish I had addressed this issue sooner.
Clearly, I can find many things to feel regret about!
Our brains do this so we can learn from the past and improve moving forward.
Our minds naturally revisit past scenarios as a strategy to solve problems. However, due to our inherent negativity bias, this adaptive process often works against us.
And the way it makes us feel in the moment isn't helpful.
Therefore, let’s learn from the past, enjoy the process of learning and growing, and make sure we don't use the past against ourselves.
Here are three simple ways to stay out of regret:
Here are my top three tips for shifting from regret to learning and growth:
Self-Compassion: As Kristen Neff, a self-compassion researcher, teaches, we did the best we could with the skills, abilities, and knowledge we had at the time. We aren't psychics; we can't see the future. And Maya Angelou said it best: "When you know better, you do better." We didn't know then, but we've learned and can make better choices now.
Squeeze All the Learning Out: You're only truly failing if you fail to do things differently with your new knowledge. Now that you've learned, make a plan to implement the lessons. When I look back at my running injury, I wish I'd known I was aging and couldn't just jump into running a 5K without training. But I learned I needed to take my physical health seriously.
Aim for a 1% Upgrade: James Clear, in his book Atomic Habits, talks about how habits are wonderful because they become automatic. We don't have mind drama about our habits. Trying to create all new habits at once is overwhelming, and we often end up quitting. Instead, aim for a 1% upgrade. Do one new thing a month, or until it feels easy. For example, it took me a couple of years to consistently drink more water, but I started with small, purposeful steps, like putting my bottle on the counter and setting time cues. Also, my husband and I got into the habit of walking after dinner, and now it feels weird when we don't do it. That's how it's supposed to be — uncomfortable when we miss our habits.
Look back on your life not with regret, but with love.
You have never lived a life before, had relationships, had a career, raised children, or grown older. We have so much more access to information than past generations did, which is why they didn’t teach us the lessons we wish we'd known. They didn’t have them either! Now we know more, and we can do better.
The unintended result, however, is that we often expect much more of ourselves.
In the end, we’re only human and genuinely are doing our best. I invite you to look back and learn, with love.
You'll find that when you learn from your past with compassion, you'll feel calmer, more in control, and happier about the things you are now learning. You will be excited about the future, more patient with yourself, and motivated to learn more.
