Embracing Vulnerability: The Courage to be Imperfect
The Truth About Vulnerability: More Than Just Sharing
All of us are being asked to be vulnerable in leadership settings at work, in presentations, and even on social media.
But how many of us like to be vulnerable?
When we think of vulnerability, we usually think of sharing things that feel uncomfortable. And after we’re vulnerable, we often feel a vulnerability hangover, where we regret our choices and wish we could take it all back.
Defining Emotional Exposure and Risk
Maybe you remember coming home from a social gathering where you met new people, and even if the evening was really fun in the moment, you regretted things you did or said. Maybe you worried that you sounded foolish, or wondered what people thought of you.
Brené Brown’s research defines vulnerability as the emotion we experience during times of uncertainty, risk, and emotional exposure. I often wonder about how much to share and with whom. And if you've scrolled on Instagram lately, it seems like many people are sharing the most intimate details of their lives. I’m not sure I want to do that, because I just don’t want the general public knowing, and perhaps judging, the most private parts of my life.
Oversharing vs. Intentional Connection
Fortunately, this isn't necessary to be vulnerable. As a psychologist, I would actually advise against it. We need to be intentional about what we share and with whom. It takes time to build trust with people, and not everyone is trustworthy. When you put your ideas or opinions out there publicly, you are opening yourself up to criticism from complete strangers. Our brains will usually tell us not to do this because we fear being judged.
At the same time, being vulnerable is the birthplace of joy, creativity, belonging, and love. We need to be vulnerable to experience the best parts of life; therefore, tiptoeing into vulnerable spaces helps us become comfortable with discomfort and build tolerance for risk.
Sharing everything with everyone is oversharing.
Connecting with people on an emotional level, or intentionally putting yourself out there to share information or promote your business, can feel hard, but it has value. Admitting you made a mistake or realizing you’ve hurt someone is vulnerable and helps you learn something or make amends, which makes you a better person.
The more self-confidence we have, the more willing we are to take emotional risks.
We’re more willing to apply for a job, ask someone out for coffee, or ask for feedback if we think we can handle whatever comes our way. Ironically, doing these things before we are confident helps build confidence.
The paradox of vulnerability is that it feels like weakness but looks like strength.
Have you ever heard someone talking about how they overcame the hardest time of their life? Can you imagine giving that talk? It must be very hard to share this story with strangers. And yet, this is what audiences connect with: the struggle and the strength. We respect and admire people who can share from a human perspective.
Developing a Vulnerability Mindset: Tolerating Criticism
If you're new to being open with others, it helps to have someone to talk to about the mindset you will need to be able to share. First of all, there are things that shouldn’t be shared, especially when they still feel raw for you. Secondly, we don’t control how people receive us or the information we share, so it helps to have a mindset that can tolerate criticism.
I often assume people will like me and the story I have to share. It was shocking to me the first time that I got information to the contrary. Now, I have what I call healthy skepticism. I think that people will appreciate my vulnerability, but I’m open to the idea that not everyone will. It no longer surprises me or devastates me when feedback isn’t 100% positive. I’m not for everyone, and neither are you. Some people simply can’t be pleased. Therefore, being comfortable with criticism is a skill that helps us stay open to sharing, learning, and growing.
And contrary to popular belief, vulnerability is not weakness. It's our most accurate measure of courage, because we cannot do hard things without first feeling the fear of failure.
When we try to avoid being vulnerable, we unintentionally limit our capacity for emotions like joy and happiness. Many people use "armor"—protective behaviors and thoughts—to hide their vulnerability, which hinders connection and creates distance. In order to foster great working relationships, take risks in business, or be creative, vulnerability has to be part of the equation!
I think this song by Melanie Doan, There Is No Beautiful, sums up my sentiments here.
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